Ironic
Love, Romance & Foolishness: The Art of Knowing Yourself
I always knew that the year I turned 50 would be a big one.
It’s been a hell of a year for transformation; one of those years where plans get tipped upside down put on hold or screwed up altogether.
In amongst the uncertainty, there’s a few spots of gold, and times where you can only reflect, dwell or decide to take action (or at least create an action plan).
2020 was supposed to be my year — I had planned on living and working in France for a few months, bathing in the culture and learning the language immersion style. It was supposed to be a year of love and growth. I got both, but in ways that I could never have imagined.
A year ago, I met what I thought was the love of my life.
We shared a passion for communication — and through our work, I became aware of him when he invited me to do business with him. Our initial meetings were via email, phone and Zoom. As a strong masculine guy, it would’ve been easy to listen to him and brush off his manliness as macho but what I heard was something else. I heard the warmth in his voice; I heard a rare kindness and gentleness.
As I got to know him, I discovered how caring, generous and curious he was. How was this possible? I was connecting with this man’s voice and passion long before we ever met. When we met on a phone call one month later, I knew this was a game-changer, and so did he, I just didn’t know how yet.
The year’s leading to my 50th birthday were big. Gut wrenchingly big.
Losing my parents one year apart, seeing my mother suffer from breast cancer. Dealing with my own health struggles with cervical cancer and auto-immune issues and workplace stress; the end of a long term relationship. All within a few short years could tip anyone over the edge. I began the internal work to detach from the numbness that had eventuated of not wanting to feel anything. Even with this, I have second-guessed the intention of meeting this beautiful man who contacted me and showed up consistently almost every day (virtually) since the moment we met. Meeting this man challenged my values and tested my paradigm of what life looks like. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster; it’s like being in an endless loop of Alanis Morisette’s song Ironic.
“It’s meeting the man of my dreams.
And then meeting his beautiful wife.
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think…”
The ultimate lesson has been in self-trust and being open to love. Life has been different knowing him. When you meet the special someone, the one that takes your breath away, that truly sees you for you; then you naturally want to be the best you can be for yourself, them and the closest people in your life.
I had met my match on an intellectual, spiritual and energetic level. In knowing him, I have expanded my thinking around the possibilities and my potential. We shared tender, intimate, vulnerable moments of personal truth never shared before. It was the most natural need to be close to him. Not in a clingy way; that’s the stuff which comes from a place of lack of trust of self, a lack of confidence and a low understanding of self. This was different. It was a must-have, a necessity. At the very moment when I would be thinking about him, he would call or message. It was and is a connection I had never had before; like we had “known each other for a thousand lifetimes”. It was mutual. There was one thing that was missing: availability. Had I fallen into a false belief of the status of his relationship? Yes, I had.
Living interstate from each other was both a blessing and torture. It’s funny how both ends of the scale can be present simultaneously. The gift is the ability to know each other on a level that is beyond what a ‘usual’ relationship would allow. Sharing the aspects of our personalities and preferences that the busy-ness of life can mask. The initial months what would become a seven-month lockdown for me had created space where we would spend hours with each other without the distraction and mundaneness of life. The torture was a knowingness that we couldn’t do that physically together. Yet he showed up consistently; he was present and available in those moments, minutes and hours together. How we were in those moments seemed real. Yet, I knew that when he returned to his home, he would be back living the life that he shared with his family in a way that I could never honestly know. It was a head fuck and ultimately screwed with my values. The question I kept asking myself was ‘what is this’? We can only make an assessment of what ‘this’ is from what we say and do. That’s the challenge of a long-distance relationship. And, perhaps him being interstate allowed me to rationalise his actual availability, and possibly mine too.
The ultimate test of unconditional love is to love through the feeling of loss, grief, foolishness and devastation.
Over the months we connected, we shared what we saw as our future together. He was generous and supported me with his skills. Yet, the uncertainty of what the future held, and knowing the big decisions that would impact the world as we know it and the people in it, the guilt and shame attached was too much for us both. We had discussed that we were ‘all in’, and that it was a matter of timing when we could physically see each other again. We were making plans for our future together. Ultimately availability contributes to compatibility. The impact of being in lockdown with no travel and situational availability created a perfect storm of unavailability. The change in my naturally joyful personality to a glass half empty version (caused by the frustration of months of isolation), was a bit hard to handle. With no sign of lockdown in his city, the frequency of contact changed as he went back to his everyday life. Or, was it that he had decided to repair his relationship while keeping his options open with me. Was I out of the loop?
Interestingly enough, trusting my gut was not easy. It was the flip between my heart, head and intuition that argued staying the course on unconditional love. Looking back, when I started to notice changes, and I asked what was going on, things came undone. It was a truth he didn’t want to share. Avoidance and defensiveness speak volumes. We fill in the blanks where we don’t have clear communication. It took me a while. Perhaps his family, and the partner he said he wasn’t in a ‘relationship’ with, might have actually been my reality check of the real test of self-worth and calling bullshit on the incongruence, and half-truths might have something to do with it. Mr Play-it-safe had chosen to make no change. It’s not a criticism as I do get the big decisions and impacts on others; his choices to do something different would have been life changing for him and those around him. However, it impacted me and my life, and it matters to me. It’s the stuff that I had been consciously unaware of; the truth is my unconscious mind knew, I just wasn’t listening.
Instead of rocking-in-a-corner or sitting on the couch with a bag of potato chips, I chose to amp up my superpowers of creativity, resilience, strength and courage, I followed the urge or calling to write my next chapter. What I see for my future is exploring different places solo, with my beautiful friends and with my next fantastic partner. I now know that there is one attribute I missed: available. I had manifested an amazing man who was freakily accurately described on the vision board. What I know now is that I need to be those things for myself, including being available, being a priority, being aligned, being true to who I am.
The line in the sand has been drawn. The delightful gestures of affection were well received at the time. Sweet, romantic surprises: arriving at my door after driving 10 hours. And, as I made my move interstate, surprising me at the airport as I passed through his city, welcoming me with a hug and a kiss like no time had passed. As wonderful as these things felt at the time (and they did), it only perpetuated the confusion. It’s about him being uncertain about us and not going all in, deciding the risk is not worth it, not being aligned to his needs, yet doing the right thing for his family, keeping the peace and perhaps losing a bit of himself in the process. Saying one thing then doing another does not make for a good start in a relationship. It’s taken a few good friends who have witnessed the ups and downs of this emotional rollercoaster ride, who expressed their concern, along with the telling social media posts which highlighted that something wasn’t right. I wondered if his partner was aware that he was still in contact with me?
In reflection — it’s the old chestnut of the other woman — filling a void in some part of his life. It made no sense, especially being 1000 kilometres from each other. When we think of cheaters, we think of illicit sexual affairs, yet this was an emotional one of deep intimacy. I guess on some level he needed me and then he received the rest from the love from his family. For months I spent hours with him, and more recently moments of interesting chats, while what I needed in isolation was the much-needed company, affection, love, and in reality, someone to fill a void I didn’t know I had. What I opened myself up to was the potential of the love I deserved. My intention is to not sound resentful, this is a personal obsevation on the things I missed because of my choices after years of not trusting. I chose to trust. I chose to participate.
Through it all — I am grateful to have experienced what I felt was deep love and the power of an intellectual and energetic connection, albeit outside of a ‘normal’ relationship. It was a love that I didn’t doubt even through all the confusion. I know the difference, and that’s why I felt ok to receive love from him. The greatest gift of all is the knowledge that I learnt how to feel, how to love and be loved. I’m am certain that there will always be a place in my heart for this man. It’s better to love than to be bitter, angry and sad. The reality check is I have been ‘the affair’. I fell into the trap that I never thought I would. It might be a cliche; however, it’s when you feel the contrast, you know what it is you need. Better to know about the reality now. I think back to work, we did together on the topic of leadership and authenticity and feel a bit foolish.
I know I am good at what I do, I back myself and am not afraid of much. The hard knocks of life, loss of loved ones and testing experiences build resilience. Perhaps there is still a bit of healing to do on my self-worth in a relationship to attract someone with the same values. Love is scary yet worthwhile, we are made for it, and life is better with it. As a lover of love, I choose to make room in my heart for someone who is living life in alignment without any sign of a double-life or uncertainty, who is my equal energetically, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and who is available.
The irony in 2020 is that Alanis Morisette was due to tour Australia. For my 50th birthday present, a close friend had bought tickets to the concert. Now the tour is postponed to 2021.
Isn’t it ironic?
“And yeah, well, life has a funny way
Of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny, funny way
Of helping you out
Helping you out.”
